One Liners
| Being taken seriously as a comedian only sounds like an oxymoron. Being taken seriously as a female comedian in New Zealand is an oxymoron! |
| Being taken seriously as a comedian only sounds like an oxymoron. Being taken seriously as a comedian in New Zealand is an oxymoron! |
| I’m a comedian not an actor. Stop telling me to “Break a leg!” When my wife was a custom baker, I used to tell her to “Crack an egg.” Why not tell me to “Crack a joke” instead? |
| Being taken seriously as a comedian only sounds like an oxymoron. |
| Jokes: a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the quips. |
| On the stage everything I said was true, but not everything was said. Not that I was selective with the truth, I only had 6 minutes. |
| I’ve started a loyalty scheme for my fans ... Every 10th joke is free! |
| Organic food’s another name for an old idea. My mum used to serve up steak and kidney, liver and bacon, sweetbreads etc. We just called it “Offal.” |
| Pizza? Hell yes! Other brands, not so much! |
| I don’t believe in karma. I’m still trying to decide how I feel about korma! |
| I felt sick at the foodcourt & Googled my symptoms. It said I have cannelloni. Close, my GP said it was fettuccine. |
| Airline food’s bad because something has to make hospital food look good. |
| If God had meant us to put ice in our whiskey they never would have given us the Sahara Desert! |
| I'm a computer programmer so I deal in numbers. Zero and one to be precise! |
| After decades of slaving in the data mines I’ve caught hexadecaphobia. |
| I hate the way autocorrect censors my posts. Every fishing line. |
| I hate the way aotocorrect manages to choose the wrong word. The price of intelligibility is consonant vigilante. |
| I woke up today to find an email from Wikipedia. Someone had tried to break into my account. Luckily my password is a very strong one: VeryStrongOne123! |
| I’ve dropped all my jokes about polygons ... too edgy. |
| I don’t want to seem irrational but I can never remember if numbers are real or imaginary or both and that’s integral to a complex problem! |
| The metric system seems natural to us as we have 5 digits on each hand, 10 in total. A few countries like 12, for exactly the same reason. |
| Don’t ever say to a geek “You do the maths.” We’ll stare at the ceiling for 5 minutes then say “72”, by which time you’ve forgotten the question. |
| I've come to the conclusion that conspiracy theorists bypass Occam's razor in favour of Occam's epilator! |
| A new study shows that people will believe almost anything that begins “New study shows.” |
| Ever noticed how they like to invent new names for old things so they can claim they’re a new idea. Take driverless cars, 40 years ago we just used to say “Forgot to put the handbrake on” |
| Rocket fuel is so toxic that 51 years later nothing grows at the Apollo 11 landing site! |
| 65.5 million years ago an asteroid crashed into Mexico and wiped out the dinosaurs. Including those further north who hadn't the foresight to build a wall. Too soon? |
| My dog growls when he dreams. I think he’s been sleeping rough. |
| Physarum polycephalum is a slime mold with 507 sexes. Can you imagine what their version of Tindr must be like? |
| They renamed the K-T boundary to the K-Pg boundary because the thought of asteroids wiping out the dinosaurs was too much for young children. |
| I just found out a Cockapoo’s a type of dog. That’s worse than taking a piss. |
| Being an uber geek I still sometimes wake up in the middle of the night wondering about major issues like “Do earthworms have parasites?” |
| I like kangaroos ... Their courts are so efficient. |
| My superpowers are intact! I hung the washing & now it’s raining. |
| For a person who dislikes toilet humour, it’s amazing how many of my jokes involve lavatories. |
| Breaking News: I dropped a tray of crockery! |
| I buy my socks in pairs, I wear my socks in pairs, I put my socks in the laundry together and I still get odd socks. I sort of understand this, but how the hell does it happen to my pantihose? |
| Have you ever noticed that they have Mobility Parking yet Accessible Toilets? Is this a subtle hint to men not to move too much in the toilet? |
| Several brands of over the rim toilet cleaners have recycling marks. Please don’t. |
| It’s better to inspire than to expire! |
| I just don’t understand the English language. If homophobes are people who hate gays, why aren’t homophones people who chat to gays? |
| Q: How many homophobes does it take to change a tyre? A: One, the others stay in the car so they don’t touch his bum. |
| Gender is what's between the ears, not what's between the legs ... My gender must be wax. |
| People who refer to my publiclt transitioning by saying I “became a woman” then annoy me. I was always a woman! ... Except, that is, for the brief interval between the big bang and my conception. |
| Q: How many transphobes does it take to change a tyre? A: One, the others are scared their lacy panties will show if they bend down. |
| A woman is a woman is a woman. I was just late to the party, needing to find myself first. I was on the hall table with the lost keys and the mail. |
| I’m a transgender woman and definitely not a transvestite. It’s been years since I last wore male clothing! |
| I had to come out of the closet. It was full of dresses that no longer fitted |
| I think I’ll start a beauty parlor promoted as “By bad spellers for poor readers” called Heredressers. |
| Have you ever noticed how several of our towns & cities are named after places in Britain and India? Dunedin after Edinburgh, Clutha after the river Clyde, Bombay after Mumbai, and Cashmere after Kashmir to name four. They were so embarassed they changed their names t oavoid us. |
| Marriage is a sacred covenant between one couple and the registrar of births deaths and marriages! We give them money and they give us a certificate |
| Gum crime is out of control! Yesterday there was a large chunk stuck to my shoe. |
| When I say I fix up my lipstick after smoking. I mean I can only find my lipstick when I’m searching my handbag for a lighter! |
| London to Sophia 2,013 km; Auckland to Sydney 2,223 km. England is closer t oBulgaria than NZ to Australia yet we don’t confuse them. |
| What about those parallel universes? Like ours except for trivial changes. Untold numbers of realities where Hillary was elected, dozens where Jacinda never replaced little, a few where Trump was a good president and maybe even one where Windows doesn’t crash! |
| If there are driverless cars, why aren’t there riderless biclcles? |
| Q: What do dead Kiwis tour Europe in? A: VW Zombis. |
| Do yachts have "Sail by" dates? |
| Be careful what you wish for. You might find a specialist who will prescribe it. |
| It’s better to have dreamed and wakened than to suffer incurable insomnia. |
| Nothing is certain in this world except deaf and taxis |
| Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns But no word for fear of comedians? AREN’T WE SCARY ENOUGH FOR YOU? |
| Are the people who vape vapers or vapists? Either way don’t ever call them vapid! |
| A large number of experiments have shown crystals to be just as effective as homeopathy without running the risk of water borne diseases. |